Suspended Imagination

Happy Memorial Day!

Actually, it’s debatable whether or not you should be happy on Memorial Day.  Essentially, you’re celebrating the fact that a lot of people died so you could continue on with your wasted life so maybe happiness is not the proper emotion.

But, that’s an issue for someone far wiser to take up, I imagine.

Erin and I will be spending Memorial Day with the rest of our family.  I guess that’s our punishment for taking freedom for granted.

Tears from above

Blood from below

Have you seen me

My face is smeared

With makeup and shame and pain

My legs are streaked

With the punishment of Eve

My sex is locked

My mind is a mess

Lost chances

Corrupted love

The things I’ve heard said

My boss with his paternal smile

My closet friend gone

I am bleeding

And my blood

Is getting on

Everything

There are sandstorms whirling behind these eyes

These mismatched eyes

One dark

One light

Both green

These mismatched eyes sending distortions

To my mismatched mind

One half alive

One half dead

Both halves me

*****

It’s time go home he says to me

But I don’t know his face

I laugh

Can’t you see I am home

Can’t you see who I am

Or have I become invisible

Or have I turned into a pumpkin

As the clock has struck midnight

I’m not here to be your fucking jack o’ lantern

I know your eyes

*****

Sex on the beach, I grin

Because I’m from a landlocked town

The bartender smiles at me

Don’t you give me that fucking smile

I know you

You may think I don’t

I know you

I’ve seen those eyes before you have

****

Oh, yes, look and behold dazzling me

I am perceptive and I am sharp

I am persecuted and I am hated

I can hear the whispers

I can read your looks before you give them

I am sexy and I am alive

And I am shining so very bright

And I hear God’s songs

Did you know that

Did you know I hear God’s songs

Do you know as you look down at your watch

No time to waste!

NO TIME TO FUCKING WASTE

Because we’ll all be dead someday

That man over there thinks he knows who I am

No one knows who I am

Turn your eyes away

I don’t need your fucking eyes on me

Turn your eyes away

****

Its time to go you say

And I say one more drink

I can drink it so fast

I can drink it faster than anyone ever has

The bartender shakes his head

I laugh because you have nothing to say

I have enough words for eternity

Yet you have nothing to say

I grab back the tip I was going to leave you

You are not worthy of my fucking money!

*****

We’re out the door

Me and my friends

The people who want me to die under their grip

Its time to go they say

Lisa its time to go

ITS NOT TIME TO GO!

Lisa give me the keys now

FUCK YOU ITS NOT TIME TO GO!

Your grabbing the keys from my hands

DON’T YOU GRAB ME!  DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING GRAB ME!

You snap at me

I’m not doing this tonight Lisa you say

You open the car door

Yell at me to get in

I stamp my foot

Fuck you fuck you fuck you!

I don’t need you!

Turn to the people gathered on the street

They’re staring at the show

Their eyes are on me

Hey!  Who wants to give me a ride home!?

WHO WANTS TO TAKE ME HOME?

I give it a little twirl

Let my skirt fly up as I spin

They like that

The world is spinning

I scream out in pain

as my bare knee hits the sidewalk

You grab me

Shove me in the car

But they’re eyes are still with me

They hate me

But they want me

Their eyes tell all

****

Drive faster!

Come on you want to get home so bad

DRIVE FASTER

WHAT THE FUCK

YOU CAN PUSH AROUND A GIRL

BUT YOU CAN’T GO OVER FIFTY

Maybe you’re too slow for me

See I am not one of you

See I am not content

See I do great things

Do you understand what I’m saying

Do you care

You see their world

I see mine

You can’t even look at me now can you

******

I’m crying

I’m sorry

Please

Please

I don’t know why

I don’t know why

Please

Forgive me

Please

I’ll get better

I promsie

Please

Don’t hate me

Please

Love me

I’ll be better

I’m sick

But I’ll get well

I’m sorry

Please

Please

Don’t turn your eyes away

I’d rather burn in Hell

than spend one day of my afterlife

looking into your liar’s face

or listening to your false promises

He Came

She Saw

Who Conquered?

I remember how it hurt

You on top of me

And I could not think

You forced yourself in

And I guess you win

The way you looked at me

when I tried to hold you back

You wanted me to know

Who was in control

You pushed harder

And I tried to look away

You grabbed my head

And I guess you win

The angry sounds you made

Someone should have heard

I should have yelled

But you took my voice

You left me scared

You left me ashamed

And I guess you win

I remember everything

Your face

Your smell

Your hands

Your hate

Your anger

I remember your smile after

I remember your voice

I remember your words

“What did you think was going to happen?”

“What were you doing here in the 1st place?”

“Everyone knows what your game is.”

I remember your game

And I guess you win

I still see you in my nightmares

When I’m foolish enough to sleep

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you’re married

I wonder if you’re a father

I wonder if you’re happy

I wonder if you ever look in the mirror

And ask yourself

“Am I an evil man?”

I wonder if you think of me at all

As much as I cleanse

I can’t wash you off

And I guess you win

I remember all about you

even all these years after

But don’t worry

Your secret’s safe

I still know

that nobody will believe me

that everyone knows my game

so I guess you win again

Please

Don’t ask me if I enjoyed it

Don’t tell me it’s just sex

Don’t tell me what I should have done

Don’t make me worry that you’re about to laugh

Don’t tell me why it won’t happen to you

Don’t hide from me like I’m contagious

Don’t treat me like I’m damaged

Don’t tell me I brought it on myself

Don’t tell me this was what God wanted

Don’t say I’m looking for attention

Don’t tell me not to talk about it

Don’t tell me its a common thing

Don’t tell me that others are hurting too

Please

Just believe me

I wake up.

You are sitting on the end of the bed.

Your back is to me.

Your head is bowed.

You are silent.

“Why are you awake?” I ask.

You say nothing.

I sit up in bed.

“Babe?”  I ask, “Why are you awake?”

Still you say nothing.

The room is cold.

My body trembles.

I pull the covers up to my chest.

You are silent.

I lean forward and touch your shoulder.

“Hey,” I say, “what’s going on?”

You speak without looking at me.

You say, “The box is empty.”

I reply, “What?”

“The box is empty.”

“What box?”

You say nothing.

You look down at the floor.

I laugh because I’m scared.

You look over your shoulder at me.

Your eyes are dead.

“I can’t find my pills,” you say.

“What pills?”

“My pills.”

You look away from me again.

My voice shakes as I say, “You’re scaring me.”

“Did you take my pills?” you ask.

“What pills!?”

“My pills.  I need my pills.”

“Why?  I mean, what’s going on…”

“I did something before I took my pills.”

“What did you do?”

You say, “I lost my pills.  Did you take my pills, Lisa Marie?”

My heart is pounding in my chest.

I feel sick.

You say, “They used to call me the Triplet Killer.”

“What?”

You look over your shoulder at me.

Your face is not your own.

You say, “They said I killed them in three ways.”

You stare at me.

You say, “They say I kill them in three ways.”

You stare at me.

Your eyes are dead.

I stare at you.

I stammer as I say, “D-does anyone else know?”

You stare at me.

Your eyes are dead.

You say, “Only you.”