Suspended Imagination

Long and Luscious

Slow and slick

Growing Desire

Love and Passion

Light and flicker

You are my favorite sin

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye

Even though everyone knew it was time

I can’t get my mind to accept it

Nobody asked me if I had anything to say

Nobody told me it was time

I still see it all so clear

I reach out and take your hand

Mom, are you okay?

I don’t think so you say

And you slip away

I’m told the tears will dry in time

But I don’t think so

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye

How will you ever forgive me

When I can no longer see your face

When I can longer dance for you

How will you ever forgive me

When a coffin is my home

When my dreams are no more

When my body collapses into decay

How will you ever forgive me

As I slip beyond my final judgment

As I embraced the darkness of night

How will you ever forgive me

If you cannot feel the emptiness in me

My insight was torn apart

By lingering madness

An echo in the distant sky

Reached out to me in my dreams

Calling me to be a shadow

I am blinded in the comort of death

How will you ever forgive me

I’m in a hurry

Slow up and speed down

I’ve come undone

This is the state I am in

This is all too obscure

Be careful

I’m going to shout now

I need to breathe

Help me breathe

Lucidity is disappearing

Don’t worry

I’m not going to be here

Not much longer

The walls are speaking

The things they say

Hatred and Lies

Secrets and Love

Do not mourn

Do not worry

This ship will not split

You say do not worry

This storm will soon pass

You do not know

About the coffin in my closet

Or the cadavers

Who call to me

In silent whispers

Full of rage

How glorious that would be

Our brains are split

In half

One side does this

The other side does that

Forgive me

What is the deal with these guys who have to try to claim some sort of ownership over me every single time they see me online? 

I mean, don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here but seriously, get a fucking life.

The Dream:

In the dream, it was the night before Christmas and I was standing in front of a Christmas tree with my three older sisters.  We were all looking at the huge collection of presents that were sitting underneath the tree. 

(I should clarify that I’m the youngest of four.  I’m 24 and my oldest sister is 30.  We’ve all always been pretty close and we all live close to each other in real life.  In the dream, despite the fact that we were all the same age as in real life, I got the impression that we were all still living at home with our parents.  Also, the house itself appeared to be a combination of two houses that I lived in when I was a little girl, one of which was in Arkansas and the other was in New Mexico.)

As the four of us looked at the presents, we started to argue about who was getting the most.  One of them said that I would have the most presents because “Lisa always gets everything she wants.”  For some reason, when I heard this, I started to cry and I said I’d prove that wasn’t true by convincing mom to let us open our presents that night instead of having to wait for Christmas.  My sisters laughed at me.

At this point, my mom and dad stepped into the room.  My mom was dressed up as if she’d just returned from a party and she was laughing about something.  My Dad stood behind her and looked annoyed to see us.  (In the dream, both of my parents appeared to be in their early 30s.) 

I told mom that we wanted to open up our presents that night.  My dad immediately started to shake his head but my mom just smiled and said that was okay. 

My oldest sister said that if we were going to unwrap our presents, we needed to gather them all up and take them into living room.  So, we all started to search under the tree for our presents.  Whenever we found one, we would take it in the living room and put behind the couch.  As we did this, I realized that I actually did have less presents than my sisters and I started to have a panic attack but nobody noticed and by the time it was over, all of the presents had been moved into the living room.

Looking at the presents and realizing how few I had, I said, “But if we open them now, what will we do in the morning?”

One of my sisters (not sure which) said, “You’re the one who wanted this.  Go get Dad.”

I walked up a winding staircase and found myself in a very dark hallway.  I walked down the hallway until I came to a closed door.  I could see that there was a light on behind the door and I suddenly felt very scared.

I leaned against the door and I said, “Mom?” (even though I’d been sent up there to get my Dad).

The door opened.  My mom was standing in the doorway, blocking my view of the room behind her.  Whereas earlier she had been so happy, she now looked very, very sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Are you girls ready?” she replied, sounding exhausted.

“Mom,” I said, “I don’t think we should open the presents tonight.  What will we do tomorrow?”

Mom sighed.  “Oh, Lisa Marie,” she said.  “Your father’s already all dressed up.”

She stepped to the side and my Dad, wearing a dark suit and a black tie, stepped out of the room.  He stopped to straighten his tie and then walked down the hallway, heading for the winding staircase.

In the dream, I think I said something like, “Its too late if he’s already all dressed up.”

When my Dad reached the staircase, he stopped.

He looked back at me and I suddenly felt very upset.

That’s when I woke up.

Additional Comments:

The main thing I remember about this dream is an overwhelming feeling of dread.  For some reason, I was scared from the minute this dream started.  The dream also felt very real and, even though some parts of it are hazy, I can still vividly recall the majority of it.

In real life, I have had panic attacks in the past.  I also frequently have them in my dreams.

A few things about my family: my mom passed away a year and a half ago.  She was only 50 years old.  I was very close to my mom and its always kind of been a running joke between me and my sisters that I was always spoiled because I was mom’s favorite.  Though things have gotten better, I still find myself struggling with the loss, especially during the holidays.

I’ve never been close to my Dad and currently, I have next to no contact with him.  He left my mom when I was barely 12 and, at the time, I blamed myself and felt that I was responsible.  A small part of me still does even though I’m older now and know better.  At the end of my dream, he was wearing a suit which was odd because Dad rarely ever dressed up.

When I was younger, Christmas was always a big deal in my family.  We always had a big Christmas with lots of presents and family over and I have to admit that I often did end up with the most presents.  When I was a kid, I often times felt like I was having to compete for attention with my sisters and I used to feel like getting the most presents was proof that I was as loved as my three older sisters.  Keep in mind, I was a little kid when I felt like this.  I’ve matured since then.

It was kind of tradition that I would always start begging, on Christmas Eve, to be allowed to just open up one present.  My Dad would always say no.  One of my most vivid memories is of one Christmas Eve night when I was 9 or 10.  I was walking around the house with a book.  My Dad saw the book on my hand and yelled at me because he thought I had opened up one of my Christmas presents early.  I’ve always remembered how angry he got about it and how much that scared me.  I kept trying to say that I hadn’t and he wouldn’t stop yelling.  Eventually, I ended up hiding behind my mom while she calmed him down.  After my Dad stopped yelling, I felt so guilty about having the book (even though there was really no reason to feel guilty) that I went outside to the alley and threw the book away.  I can’t remember what the book was called or what it was about but I can remember throwing it away as if it happened yesterday.

Anyone have any guesses as to what (if anything) this dream might mean?

Apparently, as a result of an extended twitfight between sisters Lisa Marie and Erin Nicole Bowman, twitter is currently overcapacity.

The Bowman sisters apologize.

When I was sixteen

When everything happened

I deduced a false epiphany

Bitter tastes of normalcy

Why do you

Try to see me

With your heart

And not your eyes?